Talk it out
Over recent years I’ve grown accustomed to talking about things that are worrying me. It’s not been an easy road, especially for a shy introvert whose natural tendency is to bottle it up, avoid conflict and think nothing of accepting less than ideal circumstances at work or in life generally. Sure, that's the way it's always been, that’s all I know, just suck it up I’d tell myself.
What about those stories we tell ourselves about someone we assume is muscling in on our turf? Do we sit down with them and discuss it and see what is really going on, if anything? No, we keep telling the story until it gets bigger and bigger with some poor unfortunate now enemy number 1 on the list. But unlike the real enemy of the state list, they don’t even know the list exists or that they are on it. But the persecuted nonetheless start to feel something is not right as the tension in the air grows but for the life of them can’t understand why.
It’s very hard to acquire the skills and experience to confront someone in a positive way to either make sense of the story you're telling yourself or to broach bad behavior against you, against others in your team or social circle. You’re not taught this in school or college and those that are good at it, I’d say had it passed down by superhuman parents. I knew I couldn’t avoid this anymore when I got my first people manager role. I Just wanted to put the best test system in place and ship a quality product with my team but I had a tray of story management to handle and I wasn’t prepared for it. I muddled through and kept learning from the successes and failures and because of that experience I found an interest in coaching and how to help build awareness and make it easier to take responsibility and manage the outcomes better.
The first step is having the courage to talk it out and I don’t mean with the supposed perpetrator but with someone else to get it off your chest and to help you decide how to deal with the situation. Preferably with someone that won’t add fuel to your story-telling but will help you see things differently with a calmer more curious perspective. If you get this far it’s a massive step and most stories are put to bed early on or small comfortable steps identified to make progress.
I remember many years ago when one of my reports came to me and had the confidence to speak their mind about a contractor they were at odds with. The person was at their wits end and wanted the situation to disappear, preferably by me. Like all things there are always two sides of the story so instead of me saying I will look into it, I started to ask questions to see how my report could manage the situation and turn it into a positive. What I realized after, the person didn’t have the skills to do this, it had gone too far and hence why they came to me and talked it out for help. But I was looking for the right textbook solution and a way to practice new skills and thought it was the ideal opportunity to use the situation real time. I was wrong and I lost trust that day because this person needed a different learning situation and only wanted a safe space to talk it out and not have it thrown back as their issue to solve alone.
I keep having to remind myself even to this day to remember to talk things out. I create the mind maps; I write it up and talk it through in my head. I know something deep down is a miss but I still carry on instead of talking it out loud with someone. Recently I was struggling with my coaching niche as I felt I was being led by my head instead of both head and heart and I knew something was not right. I was holding my authentic-self back and it wasn’t until I talked it out with my coach that clarity, perspective, focus and the way forward came into view and I knew what I had to do. I spoke the words and I heard them with my body and not just with my head.
Yours in letting it out,
