Self-Care Toolkit: #1 The Importance of Talking It Out

Over recent years I've grown accustomed to talking more about how I am feeling and what is worrying me. It’s not been an easy road, especially for someone whose natural tendency is to avoid spotlight situations, bottle it up more than most and generally accept less than ideal circumstances, even when I don’t want to. Sure, that's the way it's always been, that’s all I know, just suck it up I’d tell myself.

For familiar context let's take a generic example that has happened to all of us at one point or another; Those stories we tell ourselves about someone we assume is muscling in on our turf, at work or our social endeavours. Do we sit down with them and discuss it and see what is really going on, if anything? No, we keep telling ourselves the story until it grows bigger, with its harsh jagged edges pointing at the poor unfortunate who is now enemy number 1 on our list. But unlike the real enemy of the state index of hardened criminals, they don’t even know a list exists or that indeed they are on it.

But the persecuted nonetheless start to feel something is amiss as the tension in the air thickens with our vibrations impacting them differently compared to others. They figure something is up, but for the life of them can’t understand what or why. However, in some situations they do understand why the chocking atmosphere has a thruway because their behaviour is reciprocated in the same manner--———building a story that this person is up to no good, out to get them and facilitating an impending confrontation. 

It’s very hard to acquire the skills and experience to confront someone in a positive way to either make sense of the story you're telling yourself and understand their point of view or to broach bad behaviour against you, against others in your team or social circle. Managing confrontation can be difficult as you’re not taught this in school and those that have managed to master it, had it passed down by superhuman parents.

The first step is finding the courage to talk it out and it doesn’t mean you need to confront the supposed perpetrator right away but discuss with someone else you trust to displace your misgivings, a valve to release the pressure off your chest---————help you decide how to deal with the situation. Preferably with a confidant that won’t add fuel to your story-telling but will help you observe the conditions differently with a calmer more curious perspective. If you reach this far it’s a massive step and most stories are put to bed early on with small comfortable steps identified to make progress.

The easiest way to approach these uncomfortable circumstances is to have a plan, to know what to say and be well-practiced. This way if you deliberately plan to have the conversation or it’s screaming at you to address in real time--————-you will be ready and will come across calm, confident, direct and respectful.

Use this formula:

“I feel _________ when ___________ and I’d like ___________

“I feel disrespected when you dismiss my ideas offhandedly. You dismissed both of my ideas at our weekly meeting yesterday. I'd like you to take my suggestions seriously and have a fair discussion with me please”

How can someone not feel obliged to respond to this statement and request in the manner it was given?

●      Feelings (Your Emotions) + Observation (The Facts) + Change (Way Forward) + Listen (Valued Interaction) = Assertive communication (Pride, Piece of Mind, Desired Outcomes etc.)

This formula can also be used when the target of your frustrations and anger is you----—--—--when you beat yourself and self-worth up. Like telling good self you can’t do something, that you are not good enough or are too stressed and worried to keep going, to show-up.

Use the formula and write out what is going on with you and you’re thinking. Especially how you are feeling, in what situations and what you would like to happen instead. This is a fervent first step if you’re deliberating on how to have a conversation with a friend, family member or work colleague that can be so hard to instigate. But witnessing the writing in black and white, what is happening to you, what you want and having talked it our loud to yourself----———it will be easier to speak it to another person.